Jerreigh@contemplayshuns.com

HP | Customer Disservice

It seemed simple enough.

I plugged my HP laptop into the AC power in my office.  The transformer in the power cord starts beeping, something it hasn't done before, and the laptop stays on battery power.

I unplug the power cord, the beeping stops.  I plug it back into the wall socket and the beeping resumes.  And the laptop remains on battery power.

I have a bad power cord.  It's still under warranty.  So, after a bit of searching on their Web site (they hide the phone number because they really don't want us to call) I reach an HP support tech.

The HP tech apparently doesn't have a page in his tech-support scripts for a bad power cord.  After an hour, we're still on the phone.  The HP "help" guy still doesn't understand the problem.  "I have a bad transformer in my power cord and I need a new one" doesn't seem to be clear enough.

Finally, I give up and and tell the HP tech guy on the phone I'm going to take my laptop back to the store where I bought it.  Then I hang up.  He calls me back.  "Our connection was broken," he says.  "No, I told you I was hanging up to take my laptop back to the store."  I tell him good-bye and hang up.  He calls back again trying to resume our hour-long conversation.  I tell him again I'm done talking to him.  I'm on my way to the store.

I take the machine to the retail store where I bought it.  They want to check the entire computer in.  "It will be three days before a tech can look at it," the nice lady at the reception counter tells me.

"You don't need to have a technician check the laptop," I tell her for the second time.  "The laptop works fine.  I have a bad power cord."  She agrees to have someone test the power cord.  Ten minutes later she tells me I have a bad power cord.  I wish I had thought of that.

She tells me they can take my bad one, send it to HP and they'll send a new one to the store -- several miles from my home and office.  They'll let me know when it comes in, she says.  Probably a week to 10 days.  They'll call me when it comes in so I can drive to their store to pick it up.  They have this very same power cord in stock.  But I can't have one of those, the nice lady tells me.

I get back to my car.  There's a message from the HP support guy.  I have a bad power cord he suggests.  It's under warranty so I can take it back to the store where I bought it if I want.  How helpful.  I wonder how he figured that one out.  And when.

Whatever happened to customer service?

That's my two cents' worth.  What's yours?

Four Stages of Life | You & Santa

The four stages of Life:

1.  You believe in Santa Claus

2.  You don't believe in Santa Claus

3.  You are Santa Claus

4.  You look like Santa Claus

George Bush Countdown | 277 Days Left

"You're free.  And freedom is beautiful.  And, you know, it will take time to restore chaos and order -- order out of chaos.  But we will."  George Bush, April 2005

Foreploy | Tricks For the Hard Up

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition.  This year’s winners.

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off these bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.  See f oreploy.
14. Dopeler effect*: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor* (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
18. And the pick of the literature -- Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

Quote of the Day | Distrustful of the Reader's Intelligence

"No one can write decently who is distrustful of the reader's intelligence, or whose attitude is patronizing." -- E.B. White, The Elements of Style

Quote of the Day | Living Proof

"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants to see us happy."
-- Benjamin Franklin

George Bush Countdown | 292 Days Left

Make the tax cuts for the rich permanent.  -- George Bush's solution for everything.

The Senility Prayer

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.  Here's what it looks like:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Diet Coke I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Diet Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Diet Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye.  They need to be watered. I set the Diet Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of Diet Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Thermos Bottle | Greatest Invention of All Time

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.

The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."

"Yes, so what?" the others asked.

"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. "That little bottle.  How does it know?"