Jerreigh@contemplayshuns.com

George Bush Countdown | 355 Days Left

"I don't think people ought to be compelled to make the decision which they think is best for their family." -- George Bush, 2002

Punny Business | She Thought She'd Dye

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He would often have to break into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Two maggots were fighting in dead Ernest.

Quote of the Day | Be Who Your Are

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”  -- Dr. Seuss

Thought for the Day | I'll Try Being Nicer

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

The Wheels of Life

Getting Old | Everything Dries Up Or Leaks

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know,"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before she replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS.'"

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An old man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.    As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son.  Do your best.  And just remember: If it doesn't go well and something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

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When you're dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

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You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

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I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

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Being young is beautiful.  Being old is comfortable.

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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

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Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

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Two old guys are pushing their carts around a store and bump into one another.

The first one says to the second, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second guy says, "That's OK. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second guy says: "Well, she's 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does you wife look like?"

To which the first guy says, "Doesn't matter.  Let's look for yours."

A Small Quiz | Just Tell The Truth

On average, I get at least one email every day with some inspirational story that's a total fabrication or an interesting series of observations falsely attributed to a celebrity.

Who makes up this stuff?  And why?

Some of it's ideology driven.  Some of it's driven by people peddling their religion.  How do you justify peddling religious or political "truth" by just making stuff up?  Beats me.

And some of the stuff that shows up in my mailbox just mystifies me because it's hard to understand the motivation behind it.

One these emails that's shown up in my inbox at least a half dozen time in the past year or so is a philosophy quiz attributed to Peanuts cartoonist Charles Shulz (the email misspells his name as Schultz)

I think the quiz actually makes an interesting point.  It appears below.  But why did someone feel a need to attribute it to Schulz?  I have no idea.

Here's the quiz.  You don't actually have to answer the questions. Just read them through and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America Contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

Here's part two:

1. List a few teachers who aided you r journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

Here are my questions:

Are you on anyone's lists?  If not, why not?  Do you want to be or more people's lists?  If so, how do you do that? Here's hoping you're on a lot of lists.  And that you've made the world a little better place as a result.

And if you're one of those people who makes stuff up and sends it around the Internet, just tell the truth.  It makes for a better conversation.

That's my two cents' worth.  What's yours?  -- Jerreigh@contemplayshuns.com

Presidential Politics | Final Four

Well, we're down to the final four.  More or less.

I have mixed feelings about the latest two dropouts.

I was sad to see Edwards leave.  He's been my candidate from the start.  But he's right.  It was time for him to get out of the way.  He wasn't getting any traction.  I like his populist message.  I hope the thought survives his candidacy.

With Edwards gone, I'm switching my support to Obama.

Rudy?  Good riddance.  We already have a president fixated on 9/11.  Well, he's fixated on Iraq.  But he used 9/11 to get there.  We don't need another 9/11 president.  And there's something about the guy that gives me the creeps.

That's my two cents' worth.  What's yours?  -- Jerreigh@contemplayshuns.com

Thought for the Day | Hard to Make a Comeback

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Birthday Greetings for a Dick | Cheney Turns 67

Today is Dick Cheney's birthday.

My birthday wish appears to the left.

That's my two cent's worth.  What's yours?  -- Jerreigh@contemplayshuns.com