This shows up in my inbox from time to time. It's supposed to be "an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times."
I can't vouch for the accuracy of that, but it's a fun read. And I have a few thoughts of my own to add at the end.
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Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer. A password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
From the email that accompanies this letter: "Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE " US SENIORS" !!!!! And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off."
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Some thoughts of my own:
- The author of this email -- and many others I see -- expresses amazement that an "old" person could come up with anything so clever and spunky. I know lots of old folks who not only can write or say stuff like this, but do. We sell our old folks short. I committed journalism for 20 years. I've been practicing public relations for more than 25. Unlike a professional athlete who may be past his|her prime by the age of 30 or 40, I'm better than ever at what I do. I know more than I did five, 10 or 20 years ago. We should quit assuming people are past their "prime" just because we have creaky joints and gray hair.
- The email claims the bank manager thought this "actual letter" was "amusing enough" to share with the New York Times. Well, I hope not. And this claim is a tip off that this letter probably isn't real. Bank presidents don't do things like that. Not if they want to keep their jobs. If the bank president found this letter "amusing" he's a patronizing fool. I would hope a bank president who received a letter like this one would contact the customer who wrote it to make amends.
- Okay, it's just a funny story. I'll buy that. But why does it being from an 86-year-old woman make it funnier? I repeat, we sell old folks short. I'd like us to quit doing that.
That's my two cents' worth. What's yours? -- Jerriegh@contemplayshuns.com
The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. It will include:
