Jerreigh@contemplayshuns.com

The Senility Prayer

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.  Here's what it looks like:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Diet Coke I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Diet Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Diet Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye.  They need to be watered. I set the Diet Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of Diet Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Old Lady's Letter To Her Bank | A Few Thoughts

This shows up in my inbox from time to time.  It's supposed to be "an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year-old woman.  The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times."

I can't vouch for the accuracy of that, but it's a fun read.  And I have a few thoughts of my own to add at the end.

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Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to  honor it.  I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight  years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for  the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has  caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the  impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no  longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must  nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much  about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be  accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access  my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.  When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer.  A password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later  date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for  the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I  wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

From the email that accompanies this letter:  "Remember: This was written by an  86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE " US SENIORS" !!!!!   And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off."
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Some thoughts of my own:

• The author of this email -- and many others I see -- expresses amazement that an "old" person could come up with anything so clever and spunky.  I know lots of old folks who not only can write or say stuff like this, but do.  We sell our old folks short.  I committed journalism for 20 years.  I've been practicing public relations for more than 25.  Unlike a professional athlete who may be past his|her prime by the age of 30 or 40, I'm better than ever at what I do.  I know more than I did five, 10 or 20 years ago.  We should quit assuming people are past their "prime" just because we have creaky joints and gray hair.
• The email claims the bank manager thought this "actual letter" was "amusing enough" to share with the New York Times.  Well, I hope not.  And this claim is a tip off that this letter probably isn't real.  Bank presidents don't do things like that.  Not if they want to keep their jobs.  If the bank president found this letter "amusing" he's a patronizing fool. I would hope a bank president who received a letter like this one would contact the customer who wrote it to make amends.
• Okay, it's just a funny story.  I'll buy that.  But why does it being from an 86-year-old woman make it funnier?  I repeat, we sell old folks short.  I'd like us to quit doing that.

That's my two cents' worth.  What's yours?  -- Jerriegh@contemplayshuns.com

Recognizing A Stroke | Fast Action Matters

A neurologist says if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke. The trick is getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke

Bystanders can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

Smile: Ask the individual to SMILE.

Talk:  Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE coherently -- something like: "It is sunny out today."

Raise both arms: Ask him | her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call 911 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

New Sign of a Stroke: Stick out Your Tongue

Another 'sign' of a stroke: Ask the person to 'stick' out his tongue. If the tongue is "crooked," if it goes to one side or the other , that is also an indication of a stroke.

The Wheels of Life

Getting Old | Everything Dries Up Or Leaks

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know,"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before she replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS.'"

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An old man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.    As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son.  Do your best.  And just remember: If it doesn't go well and something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

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When you're dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

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You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

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I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

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Being young is beautiful.  Being old is comfortable.

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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

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Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

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Two old guys are pushing their carts around a store and bump into one another.

The first one says to the second, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second guy says, "That's OK. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second guy says: "Well, she's 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does you wife look like?"

To which the first guy says, "Doesn't matter.  Let's look for yours."

Thoughts on Aging | Making It To 100

Thoughts on aging widely and wrongly attributed on the Internet to George Carlin, but worth the read:

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.  "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key!!

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.  You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.  "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you BECOME 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you RE ACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime and it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!