Jerreigh@contemplayshuns.com

HP | Customer Disservice

It seemed simple enough.

I plugged my HP laptop into the AC power in my office.  The transformer in the power cord starts beeping, something it hasn't done before, and the laptop stays on battery power.

I unplug the power cord, the beeping stops.  I plug it back into the wall socket and the beeping resumes.  And the laptop remains on battery power.

I have a bad power cord.  It's still under warranty.  So, after a bit of searching on their Web site (they hide the phone number because they really don't want us to call) I reach an HP support tech.

The HP tech apparently doesn't have a page in his tech-support scripts for a bad power cord.  After an hour, we're still on the phone.  The HP "help" guy still doesn't understand the problem.  "I have a bad transformer in my power cord and I need a new one" doesn't seem to be clear enough.

Finally, I give up and and tell the HP tech guy on the phone I'm going to take my laptop back to the store where I bought it.  Then I hang up.  He calls me back.  "Our connection was broken," he says.  "No, I told you I was hanging up to take my laptop back to the store."  I tell him good-bye and hang up.  He calls back again trying to resume our hour-long conversation.  I tell him again I'm done talking to him.  I'm on my way to the store.

I take the machine to the retail store where I bought it.  They want to check the entire computer in.  "It will be three days before a tech can look at it," the nice lady at the reception counter tells me.

"You don't need to have a technician check the laptop," I tell her for the second time.  "The laptop works fine.  I have a bad power cord."  She agrees to have someone test the power cord.  Ten minutes later she tells me I have a bad power cord.  I wish I had thought of that.

She tells me they can take my bad one, send it to HP and they'll send a new one to the store -- several miles from my home and office.  They'll let me know when it comes in, she says.  Probably a week to 10 days.  They'll call me when it comes in so I can drive to their store to pick it up.  They have this very same power cord in stock.  But I can't have one of those, the nice lady tells me.

I get back to my car.  There's a message from the HP support guy.  I have a bad power cord he suggests.  It's under warranty so I can take it back to the store where I bought it if I want.  How helpful.  I wonder how he figured that one out.  And when.

Whatever happened to customer service?

That's my two cents' worth.  What's yours?

Four Stages of Life | You & Santa

The four stages of Life:

1.  You believe in Santa Claus

2.  You don't believe in Santa Claus

3.  You are Santa Claus

4.  You look like Santa Claus

Old Lady's Letter To Her Bank | A Few Thoughts

This shows up in my inbox from time to time.  It's supposed to be "an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year-old woman.  The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times."

I can't vouch for the accuracy of that, but it's a fun read.  And I have a few thoughts of my own to add at the end.

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Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to  honor it.  I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight  years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for  the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has  caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the  impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no  longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must  nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much  about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be  accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access  my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.  When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer.  A password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later  date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for  the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I  wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

From the email that accompanies this letter:  "Remember: This was written by an  86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE " US SENIORS" !!!!!   And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off."
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Some thoughts of my own:

• The author of this email -- and many others I see -- expresses amazement that an "old" person could come up with anything so clever and spunky.  I know lots of old folks who not only can write or say stuff like this, but do.  We sell our old folks short.  I committed journalism for 20 years.  I've been practicing public relations for more than 25.  Unlike a professional athlete who may be past his|her prime by the age of 30 or 40, I'm better than ever at what I do.  I know more than I did five, 10 or 20 years ago.  We should quit assuming people are past their "prime" just because we have creaky joints and gray hair.
• The email claims the bank manager thought this "actual letter" was "amusing enough" to share with the New York Times.  Well, I hope not.  And this claim is a tip off that this letter probably isn't real.  Bank presidents don't do things like that.  Not if they want to keep their jobs.  If the bank president found this letter "amusing" he's a patronizing fool. I would hope a bank president who received a letter like this one would contact the customer who wrote it to make amends.
• Okay, it's just a funny story.  I'll buy that.  But why does it being from an 86-year-old woman make it funnier?  I repeat, we sell old folks short.  I'd like us to quit doing that.

That's my two cents' worth.  What's yours?  -- Jerriegh@contemplayshuns.com

Cockpit Humor | Aircraft Handles Funny

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

The Wheels of Life

Getting Old | Everything Dries Up Or Leaks

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know,"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before she replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS.'"

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An old man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.    As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son.  Do your best.  And just remember: If it doesn't go well and something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

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When you're dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

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You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

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I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

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Being young is beautiful.  Being old is comfortable.

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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

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Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

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Two old guys are pushing their carts around a store and bump into one another.

The first one says to the second, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second guy says, "That's OK. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second guy says: "Well, she's 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does you wife look like?"

To which the first guy says, "Doesn't matter.  Let's look for yours."

A Small Quiz | Just Tell The Truth

On average, I get at least one email every day with some inspirational story that's a total fabrication or an interesting series of observations falsely attributed to a celebrity.

Who makes up this stuff?  And why?

Some of it's ideology driven.  Some of it's driven by people peddling their religion.  How do you justify peddling religious or political "truth" by just making stuff up?  Beats me.

And some of the stuff that shows up in my mailbox just mystifies me because it's hard to understand the motivation behind it.

One these emails that's shown up in my inbox at least a half dozen time in the past year or so is a philosophy quiz attributed to Peanuts cartoonist Charles Shulz (the email misspells his name as Schultz)

I think the quiz actually makes an interesting point.  It appears below.  But why did someone feel a need to attribute it to Schulz?  I have no idea.

Here's the quiz.  You don't actually have to answer the questions. Just read them through and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America Contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

Here's part two:

1. List a few teachers who aided you r journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

Here are my questions:

Are you on anyone's lists?  If not, why not?  Do you want to be or more people's lists?  If so, how do you do that? Here's hoping you're on a lot of lists.  And that you've made the world a little better place as a result.

And if you're one of those people who makes stuff up and sends it around the Internet, just tell the truth.  It makes for a better conversation.

That's my two cents' worth.  What's yours?  -- Jerreigh@contemplayshuns.com

How To Speak Southern | Hah Tu Speek Suthun

I grew up in the South, altho ah can't tawk suthun thuh way ah wonce cud.  Yah haf ta go slow to get thuh full effect.

If yuh evuh heah a Suthunuh staht talkin' reeeeeeel slowwwww an' staht enny sentuns with sumthin' like "I'm just a poor country boy from . . ." then look out.  He's about to take ya for all ya got.

So I wuz happy to find a little suthun refreshuh course in mah email this week.  Heah's a little guide ya mite find useful:

Hah Tu Speek Suthun

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAWSE - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bawse is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudn’t unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Ju-here that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

You Know You're Living in 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.  Or, in my case, your Diet Coke.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually check to see there wasn't a #9 on this list.
16. You're as likely to shop online as in a store.
17. Bookmarks are something you use on your computer, not in your books.  Books?
18. You watch as many movies at home as you do at a theater.
19. You check your e-mail and voice mail at least daily while you're on vacation.
20. You get more junk in your inbox than in your mailbox.
21. You buy your music by the song instead of by the album.
22. You're addicted to at least one drink from Starbucks . . . or know someone who is.
23. You get at least some of your news online.
24. You own at least one digital camera . . . including the one on your phone.
25. A list of 25 items -- well, 24 actually -- is too long so you skipped to the end at some point.

Golf | It Is Always Possible To Play Worse

I recently passed along a few tips about my golf game that my friends e-mailed me.  Here are a few more, also from my inbox:

• A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are. That's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
• Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
• Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
• Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
• When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
• The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your golf swing.
• No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
• The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
• A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
• Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
• Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. It's not a gimme if you're still away.
• The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
• There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
• You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
• If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
• Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
• When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
• Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
• If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
• There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
• Hazards attract, fairways repel.
• You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
• If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker; If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
• It's easier to get up at six a.m. to play golf than at 10 a.m. to mow the yard.
• A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
• Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
• If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
• It's amazing how a golfer who hates gardening will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
• It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, brain surgeons don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs, and pass gas.