Jerreigh@contemplayshuns.com

Play Golf the Way You Live Life

I believe in playing golf the way you live life.

For example, people keep telling me to hit them long and straight.  I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone tell me what to do.

I encountered a rattlesnake once in the middle of the fairway of a course I was playing.  It wasn't a problem.  I don't use that part of the course.

I bring all this up because several friends have sent me an e-mail with a bunch of tips and other observations about golf. I think they're trying to tell me something.  I refuse to listen.

But I love the quirky stuff that goes around the Internet, including those zillions of e-mails people send to one another because, well, they don't have anything better to do.

Why aren't they playing golf instead?

Some excerpts from what they sent me.  Don't blame me, if they don't help your game.  I already told you I refuse to listen to any of this stuff.  I'm too busy trying to find my balls.

Random Observations

Here are some random observations about golf, that I found in my e-mail.  Most of them seem to be true, based on my experience:

• Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies, obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

• In golf, you hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks!  That's why I never win.
  

• Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

• The term "Mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul-it-again."

• A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.

• An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play it is always possible to get worse.

• Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

• If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.

• Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

• Golf is like marriage.  If you take yourself too seriously it won't work.  And both are pretty damned expensive!

• The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

Enough of that silliness.  Let's move on to something more serious:  David Letterman's Top 10 Reasons Why Golf Is BetterThan Sex.

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.

#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7... Foursomes are encouraged.

#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5... Three times a day is possible.

#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex: When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Three-Minute Management Course

LESSON:  #1 of 5

A man is getting into the shower as his  wife is getting out when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a  towel and runs downstairs.  She opens the door to find their next door neighbor, Bob.  Before she can say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, she drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.  After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.  Wrapping herself in the towel, as she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob," she replied.

"Great!" her husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owed me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY:  If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your team in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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LESSON:  #2 of 5

A priest offered a nun a lift.  As she sat in the car, she could not help but reveal a little leg.  The priest nearly had an accident.  After getting the car under control, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

He removed his hand, but changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg yet again. 

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized, "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said:   'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

MORAL OF THE STORY:  If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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LESSON:  #3 of 5

A sales rep, an administrative clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch,  when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it, and a genie pops out, proclaiming, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first!  Me first!" says the administrative clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat without a care in the world."

...Poof - she's gone!

"Me next!  Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life."

... Poof - he's gone!

"OK, your turn, " the Genie says to the manager.  The manager states, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

MORAL OF THE STORY:  Always let your boss have the first say.

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LESSON:  #4 of 5

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

"Sure, why not," replied the eagle.  So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.  All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.

MORAL OF THE STORY:  To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

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LESSON:  #5 of 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  "I would love to be able to get to the top of  that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.  "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of bull dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. 

Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

MORAL OF THE STORY:  Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. 

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This ends the 3 minute management course ... Now get back to work.

Challenging Job | No Experience Required

JOB DESCRIPTION
Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.  This is a lifetime position. There is no retirement.  Ever.

RESPONSIBILITIES
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and menta l outlooks. Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION
None.  Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION
You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS
Limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

JOB TITLE
Mommy or Daddy (depending on gender)

Life's Lessons | Only Two Tools

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are.   In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.  If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.  If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.

Thoughts on Aging | Making It To 100

Thoughts on aging widely and wrongly attributed on the Internet to George Carlin, but worth the read:

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.  "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key!!

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.  You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.  "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you BECOME 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you RE ACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime and it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

Laws of the Universe

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).Works in the check out lines too.

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

The Cleaning Lady

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s. But how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say ‘hello.’"

Her name was Dorothy.

Source:  Unknown