Jerreigh@contemplayshuns.com

How To Speak Southern | Hah Tu Speek Suthun

I grew up in the South, altho ah can't tawk suthun thuh way ah wonce cud.  Yah haf ta go slow to get thuh full effect.

If yuh evuh heah a Suthunuh staht talkin' reeeeeeel slowwwww an' staht enny sentuns with sumthin' like "I'm just a poor country boy from . . ." then look out.  He's about to take ya for all ya got.

So I wuz happy to find a little suthun refreshuh course in mah email this week.  Heah's a little guide ya mite find useful:

Hah Tu Speek Suthun

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAWSE - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bawse is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudn’t unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Ju-here that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

Quirky Stuff | First Couple In Bed Together

I love all the quirky stuff you can find on the Internet -- or in your inbox.  Here are some quirky "facts" I found in my inbox a few days ago.  Can't vouch for any of them:

• In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have the "Rule of thumb".
• Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
• The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
• Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
• Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
• Coca-Cola was originally green.
• It is impossible to lick your elbow.
• The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.
• The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%.
• The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%.
• The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400.
• The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000.
• Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
• The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
• The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
• Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David. Hearts - Charlemagne. Clubs -Alexander, the Great. Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
• If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
• Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
• Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.
• Most boat owners name their boats. The most popular boat name requested? Obsession.
• If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? One thousand.
• Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were all invted by women.
• Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil.  [And Twinkies?]
  
• Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? Father's Day.
• In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase, "Good night; sleep tight."
• It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. [I've seen several other explanations for the origins of honeymoon.]
  
• In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
• Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get served. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
• At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
• Don't delete the following paragraph just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it:
  
  I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Taht's a good tnhig bceuase I mkae ltos of tpyos.

You Know You're Living in 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.  Or, in my case, your Diet Coke.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually check to see there wasn't a #9 on this list.
16. You're as likely to shop online as in a store.
17. Bookmarks are something you use on your computer, not in your books.  Books?
18. You watch as many movies at home as you do at a theater.
19. You check your e-mail and voice mail at least daily while you're on vacation.
20. You get more junk in your inbox than in your mailbox.
21. You buy your music by the song instead of by the album.
22. You're addicted to at least one drink from Starbucks . . . or know someone who is.
23. You get at least some of your news online.
24. You own at least one digital camera . . . including the one on your phone.
25. A list of 25 items -- well, 24 actually -- is too long so you skipped to the end at some point.

Golf | It Is Always Possible To Play Worse

I recently passed along a few tips about my golf game that my friends e-mailed me.  Here are a few more, also from my inbox:

• A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are. That's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
• Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
• Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
• Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
• When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
• The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your golf swing.
• No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
• The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
• A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
• Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
• Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. It's not a gimme if you're still away.
• The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
• There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
• You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
• If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
• Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
• When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
• Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
• If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
• There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
• Hazards attract, fairways repel.
• You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
• If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker; If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
• It's easier to get up at six a.m. to play golf than at 10 a.m. to mow the yard.
• A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
• Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
• If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
• It's amazing how a golfer who hates gardening will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
• It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, brain surgeons don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs, and pass gas.

My Favorite Word | Omphaloskepsis

AGLET - The plain or ornamental covering on the end of a shoelace.

ARMSAYE - The armhole in clothing.

CHANKING - Spat-out food, such as rinds or pits.

COLUMELLA NASI - The bottom part of the nose between the nostrils.

DRAGÉES - Small beadlike pieces of candy, usually silver-coloured, used for decorating cookies, cakes and sundaes.

FEAT - A dangling curl of hair.

FERRULE - The metal band on a pencil that holds the eraser in place.

HARP - The small metal hoop that supports a lampshade.

HEMIDEMISEMIQUAVER - A 64th note. (A 32nd is a demisemiquaver, and a 16th note is a semiquaver.)

JARNS, NITTLES, GRAWLIX, and QUIMP - Various squiggles used to denote cussing in comic books.

KEEPER - The loop on a belt that keeps the end in place after it has passed through the buckle.

KICK or PUNT - The indentation at the bottom of some wine bottles. It gives added strength to the bottle but lessens its holding capacity.

LIRIPIPE - The long tail on a graduate's academic hood.

MINIMUS - The little finger or toe.

NEF - An ornamental stand in the shape of a ship.

OBDORMITION - The numbness caused by pressure on a nerve; when a limb is `asleep'.

OCTOTHORPE - The symbol `#' on a telephone handset. Bell Labs' engineer Don Macpherson created the word in the 1960s by combining octo-, as in eight, with the name of one of his favourite athletes, 1912 Olympic decathlon champion Jim Thorpe.

OMPHALOSKEPSIS - The act of contemplating one's navel.

OPHRYON - The space between the eyebrows on a line with the top of the eye sockets.

PHOSPHENES - The lights you see when you close your eyes hard. Technically the luminous impressions are due to the excitation of the retina caused by pressure on the eyeball.

PURLICUE - The space between the thumb and extended forefinger.

RASCETA - Creases on the inside of the wrist.

SADDLE - The rounded part on the top of a matchbook.

SCROOP - The rustle of silk.

SNORKEL BOX - A mailbox with a protruding receiver to allow people to deposit mail without leaving their cars.

SPRAINTS - Otter dung.

WAMBLE - Stomach rumbling.

ZARF - A holder for a handleless coffee cup.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?

Mathematical Conversions for the Mathematically Challenged

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 1 paradigm

26. 4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

Play Golf the Way You Live Life

I believe in playing golf the way you live life.

For example, people keep telling me to hit them long and straight.  I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone tell me what to do.

I encountered a rattlesnake once in the middle of the fairway of a course I was playing.  It wasn't a problem.  I don't use that part of the course.

I bring all this up because several friends have sent me an e-mail with a bunch of tips and other observations about golf. I think they're trying to tell me something.  I refuse to listen.

But I love the quirky stuff that goes around the Internet, including those zillions of e-mails people send to one another because, well, they don't have anything better to do.

Why aren't they playing golf instead?

Some excerpts from what they sent me.  Don't blame me, if they don't help your game.  I already told you I refuse to listen to any of this stuff.  I'm too busy trying to find my balls.

Random Observations

Here are some random observations about golf, that I found in my e-mail.  Most of them seem to be true, based on my experience:

• Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies, obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

• In golf, you hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks!  That's why I never win.
  

• Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

• The term "Mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul-it-again."

• A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.

• An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play it is always possible to get worse.

• Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

• If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.

• Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

• Golf is like marriage.  If you take yourself too seriously it won't work.  And both are pretty damned expensive!

• The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

Enough of that silliness.  Let's move on to something more serious:  David Letterman's Top 10 Reasons Why Golf Is BetterThan Sex.

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.

#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7... Foursomes are encouraged.

#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5... Three times a day is possible.

#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex: When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Three-Minute Management Course

LESSON:  #1 of 5

A man is getting into the shower as his  wife is getting out when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a  towel and runs downstairs.  She opens the door to find their next door neighbor, Bob.  Before she can say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, she drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.  After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.  Wrapping herself in the towel, as she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob," she replied.

"Great!" her husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owed me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY:  If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your team in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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LESSON:  #2 of 5

A priest offered a nun a lift.  As she sat in the car, she could not help but reveal a little leg.  The priest nearly had an accident.  After getting the car under control, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

He removed his hand, but changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg yet again. 

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized, "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said:   'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

MORAL OF THE STORY:  If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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LESSON:  #3 of 5

A sales rep, an administrative clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch,  when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it, and a genie pops out, proclaiming, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first!  Me first!" says the administrative clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat without a care in the world."

...Poof - she's gone!

"Me next!  Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life."

... Poof - he's gone!

"OK, your turn, " the Genie says to the manager.  The manager states, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

MORAL OF THE STORY:  Always let your boss have the first say.

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LESSON:  #4 of 5

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

"Sure, why not," replied the eagle.  So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.  All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.

MORAL OF THE STORY:  To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

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LESSON:  #5 of 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  "I would love to be able to get to the top of  that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.  "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of bull dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. 

Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

MORAL OF THE STORY:  Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. 

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This ends the 3 minute management course ... Now get back to work.

Thoughts on Aging | Making It To 100

Thoughts on aging widely and wrongly attributed on the Internet to George Carlin, but worth the read:

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.  "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key!!

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.  You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.  "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you BECOME 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you RE ACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime and it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!